By Raoul Suarez
I met her when I was in high school. She was introduced to me by a friend. She was fair-skinned, charming, and had a very slim figure. There was this little something about her that my young mind couldn’t quite comprehend; something so enchanting that it made my juvenile heart skip a beat. I wanted to be with her even with the knowledge that the affair was something that would never go well. It was hard to decide whether to give in and give the relationship the green light, or raise the red flag of refusal. I wanted to try it though. I had to give it a go. I followed my heart even when my mind was screaming not to do it.
No, it wasn’t love at first sight. It was something that developed gradually. It was something that was forged by time and repetition. It started off with a kiss. It was bitter. It was sweet. I was breathless. I was teary-eyed. She made my heart beat fast. She made me a little light-headed. She was silent. She was strong. She was always calm and collected. Slowly and gradually, she had found her way into me. I think maybe that was all that mattered to her. She stayed with me until I got used to having her around. Little did I know that the little flame of love I lit had already started to burn and is now on its way to set me ablaze.
I never introduced her to my parents. I never took her to my house to see them. I was afraid they might not like her. I was sure they wouldn’t like her. She was bad for me. She was what every parent warned their children about. It was the kind of love that was meant to be hidden. We would usually see each other when I step out of the house and walk to school. I would pick her up. We would hang out and have the time of our lives. We had a very private affair. We did everything in hiding; everything done in secrecy. She never complained about it. There was no need to. She knew that I would give her my time. I would always make sure that I get to see her when I wake up and enjoy her company before I go to sleep. She knew that one day we could go out in public. We won’t have to hide anymore. She was willing to wait. I admired her patience.
I got a little older. My teenage years were all but spent. I have transitioned into adulthood. I found myself a job. I have come to meet different sorts of people here and there. I made new friends. I would always bring her along. I wasn’t afraid anymore like I used to be. I got tired of hiding. It was about time the world knew. Most of the people I am with didn’t mind if I brought her along. They have come to terms with the fact that she was a part of me. She was something that I couldn’t live without. The others found her to be very luxurious. All that love she gave, I reciprocated with money. I have made myself believe that the time spent with her was always worth it. Everybody understood that. Some of my friends didn’t agree but there was nothing they can do about it. It was my life after all.
She eventually got to know my sister. She would come along during long drives at night to see the town. She sat there quietly. She and my sister never talked but the silence was never awkward. My parents got to know her too. They did not like her. They wanted us to part. I assured them we would but I know I could not do it. Maybe not yet. Hiding her existence was getting harder than it used to be. Her scent was all too familiar. It is all over me every time we are together and it stays with me for a while. It’s stuck on my hair, my hands, and my clothes; evidence that was too hard to deny. All these years of being together made me very fond of her. Everything bad that was being said about her just fell on deaf ears. I’m earning my own bread anyway. People should not meddle in my affairs. No one can tell me what to do now.
The years flew by. Time went on faster than I expected. It has been over a decade since we hooked up. I got married. I now have children. She and I are still together. She is still a part of my life; just there when needed and silent when not. We’ve had good times and we’ve been through a lot of bad times. She has been a little more extravagant lately and she gets me in trouble with the law sometimes but there is always a price to pay for indulgence. I know one day we won’t be this close. I might not need her anymore. She doesn’t really mind as long as we have today; as long as we can be together for a short while. Tomorrow can wait and it might never come.
I know I need her now. I need a dose of her once more. Time to go to the store. Just one more stick. Just one. I just might quit it one day. But maybe not today. Maybe tomorrow. I’ll try.
