By Glazyl Y. Masculino
BACOLOD City – Depressing and traumatic.
This was how I described my coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19) experience, considering the fact that I am now afraid to go out of the house and see people in public, fearing I might be infected again.
Every time I see crowded places, I go back to that moment when I was all alone in a room, having the virus in my body.
It was in the afternoon of September 11, 2020 when I got swabbed, along with my three companions following the first COVID case in our boarding house.
Although I was a little bit scared, l continued to do my routine and even prepared a meal after the swab test, thinking everything was going to be fine.
However, I started to worry when I had dry cough a day after the swab test. Then three days later, I manifested two more symptoms – loss of taste and smell, and nasal congestion.
I was diagnosed with anxiety attack late last year, so it’s not advisable for me to worry too much because it can increase the risk of palpitation and other complications. But the COVID symptoms I had made me worry more each day, causing my anxiety level to rise.
I started to gargle salt with warm water, drink hot lemon with ginger, do steam inhalation, exercise, and do frequent checking of body temperature even before the symptoms showed, considering that I was exposed to a positive case. I did things I wasn’t used to doing, things I never thought of doing.
I was really scared while waiting for the result. I had no medicine left for my panic attack so I just did breathing exercises.
At the back of my mind, I knew something was wrong with me, but I kept my hopes high and my faith strong that my result would be negative. I started crying because I was desperately praying not to be infected.
But I got so worried even more when a staff from the barangay informed us three days later that my two boardmates were infected.
I knew I could also get infected, but I was still holding on to my faith that it would be the other way around.
The moment of truth came on September 19. This was when I received a very depressing news.
I was still asleep at that time when my boardmate knocked on my door, and told me that someone was looking for me.
I was hesitant to go out at first because I sensed it was something that I’ve dreaded since the day of the swab test.
I tied my hair and went out of my room. As I walked towards the gate, my legs seemed weak to continue walking, but as I faced the barangay staff, I heard the word I didn’t want to hear amid the pandemic.
I almost cried, but I held back my tears after he personally informed me that I tested positive of the virus.
I somehow knew my chances of testing positive were high, but I didn’t think it was really that hard and painful to hear the word “positive.”
I somehow prepared for it although I was still in denial. But it’s still so hard to accept the fact that I was infected.
I was doubtful at first and even asked the barangay staff to show to me the paper, if indeed my name was on it. It was to console myself; maybe they just made a mistake. But sadly, I saw it with my own eyes, and such even pierced my heart more.
After confirming it, I silently returned to my room, staring blankly into space, as tears began to fall.
I didn’t know what to do. I was speechless.
I had mixed emotions – worried, scared, lost, and depressed. Then I broke down in tears.
“Ngaa haw? God please help me,” the words that came out of my mouth while crying. From that moment, I knew the next days would bring me more pain and anxiety.
Sir Francis, my editor called me. I was literally crying when I spoke to him over the phone, but I really appreciated how he comforted knowing how I was really having a hard time.
I started to pack my things while wiping my tears away, though I could not stop it.
The ambulance arrived and I tried to compose myself, preparing to be transferred to a quarantine facility.
I was placed in a hotel quarantine facility upon request. Most people would think I had a very comfortable stay there, but the struggle of pressuring myself to be okay, to become better, to have an improved condition everyday caused me sleepless nights.
Probably, I was still lucky because I had a comfortable bed, but how could I sleep thinking about how long would my symptoms disappear, how long could I cope with the situation, thinking I might feel worse in the coming days that could make me hospitalized. “Na praning na ko everytime mag ubo or feeling ko may changes sa lawas ko.”
I was alone. I knew nobody could even come near me because of my condition. It was a mental and emotional torture for me.
I even woke up in the middle of the night because of nightmares. But nobody could comfort me to go back to sleep.
There were times that I would repeatedly walk around my room to kill time, as I felt suffocated with the fact of having to stay alone in a room and do nothing.
You saw me doing Tiktok videos, but it didn’t mean I was flaunting on social media. It’s my way of connecting to people knowing I could not even move a single step outside of my room because I have to be isolated.
It was frustrating to think that people would even think about that rather than to cheer up a COVID patient. But I won’t dwell on that because they don’t know my story.
I was so obsessed with the thought of getting rid of the virus from my body.
“San-o pa ko maayo man? Maayo pa ko ni? Mapatay man gid ni ang virus sa lawas ko? Kaya ko ni ayhan? After sang quarantine, maano ko? I had the same thoughts every day.
I even thought of drinking medicine not prescribed to me, thinking I probably would feel better soon if I mixed everything up.
It felt weird to smell the perfume, lavender oil, alcohol, orange, lemon, soap, and even my meal every day to check if I have improved, but it’s still the same.
I went overboard when I even questioned God, “Nga-a daw wala katapusan haw? Wala pagbag-o sa ginabatyag ko? Daw ma buang na ko di.” Maybe because of too much overthinking.
Apart from that, I was also thinking about the persons I might have infected. I felt really sorry for them and I also could not imagine what they’re going through.
During my quarantine, I continued writing news stories even if my mind and body won’t cooperate. I really tried so that I would become busy with different things. However, at the end of the day, I’d go back to my daily dose of mental stress.
Sometimes I made myself believe that I was getting there – recovery – to assure myself I’m almost healed, but the symptoms lasted for a little over two weeks.
Finally, after two weeks, I was advised to go home after my symptoms disappeared and I was declared fully recovered from the virus.
I thought my agony was over, but it even led me to face another battle of having no house to go home and family to accept me, to widely open their arms to welcome me.
Yes, it was so difficult that all I could do was just to cry my heart out, causing me headache and chest pain.
“Diin ko makadto pag makagwa na ko di? Sin-o mabaton sa akon kay kaagi na ko COVID positive? Diin ko mapuli?”
I had nowhere else to go because I could not even go back to my boarding house because of fear since we have many common areas there.
I was in a stage where I had self-pity. To the point of telling God to let me see or have my parents back. I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s the only thing I could think of at that moment.
It took me a few days to figure out where I could stay. I was shy to ask favors from anyone because I know my background would matter.
I thought of staying in an apartment or condo or pension house for a month even if it will cost me too much because I was afraid of being infected again and most especially of infecting others because of the idea that people might still think I’m infectious because I already experienced COVID, when in fact it’s not true.
“Kabudlay magpa intsindi sa tawo, the more na stressful kay basi mabangdan pa ko kung may mag lain matyag.” It’s part of their precautions and I could not blame them, but it’s just so sad to know that in reality, you can have no one to accept you after everything that happened.
That’s how powerful COVID is. It could make or break you as a person. But at the same time, it also gave me an idea to determine the people who are willing to accept you no matter what.
Fortunately, one relative offered to accept me in their house. I was really thankful.
I was thinking about so many negative things, to the point of almost giving up. But at the end of the day, I still have God.
Indeed, God knows what’s best for us and when to end our suffering.
I admit I had flaws, even if I was also following the health protocols. But COVID is real, and people should not underestimate the virus.
I was devastated in that phase of my life, but one thing that kept me going is my faith and trust in God. Prayer is powerful.
In the end, we will always seek refuge in Him because He won’t ever neglect us.
It was not an easy battle. This is probably God’s way of making me stronger even more.
“Indi lahog-lahog ini. Pagpangamuyo kag ang pagpalangga sang pamilya kag abyan makabulig sa isa ka COVID patient. Don’t discriminate them because you don’t know how hard it is for them to fight the “unseen enemy” alone.”
I thank the people and my loved ones who prayed for my healing and full recovery. To Sir Francis, thank you so much for your kind gesture and understanding.
To those who are still suffering because of COVID, keep going, trust God for your healing.
After a month of quarantine, I’m now a COVID survivor.
