By The Sunriser
This is a satire. React at your own risk.
Local officials are desperately seeking creative ways to spend their embarrassing P5 billion surplus, as having too much money becomes Iloilo City’s latest catastrophe.
The Local Finance Committee has issued an urgent memo confirming their deepest fears: they’re only using 5.62% of their debt capacity, a number so low it’s causing severe anxiety among bureaucrats who prefer their spreadsheets more complicated.
In a shocking development, city accountants have discovered they could actually pay all their debts, leading to an existential crisis about their purpose in life.
Sources confirm that Development Bank of the Philippines officials are tired of counting the city’s P5 billion deposit and have requested the city “please spend something.”
The Bureau of Local Government Finance has issued Certificate No. 06-2024-06-215, a document so detailed it includes the exact number of coffee stains on its margins.
City Hall insiders report that financial officers are now required to attend therapy sessions to cope with the trauma of having a P2.675 billion borrowing capacity they can’t seem to max out.
Local mathematicians were called in to calculate the city’s debt service ceiling, but they got distracted by how many zeros they could fit on one page.
The Local Finance Committee has started a support group for officials struggling with the emotional burden of fiscal responsibility.
Anonymous sources reveal that city officials are considering building a giant vault just to store their certificates of financial excellence.
The City Government’s “problem” of being able to easily pay its P232,276,482.00 contractual obligations has sparked envy from neighboring municipalities who still enjoy the thrill of financial anxiety.
Financial experts warn that having such a healthy debt-to-income ratio might make other cities feel bad about themselves.
In related news, the Local Government Code’s Section 324 (b) has been reported crying in a corner, feeling underutilized at only 5.62% of its maximum potential.
City Hall’s latest challenge involves finding more creative ways to write “we’re doing fine” in increasingly complex bureaucratic language.
The finance department has issued a formal apology to the city’s Excel spreadsheets for not giving them more complicated calculations to process.
Officials conclude that being financially responsible is seriously undermining their ability to create exciting budget crisis narratives.
Local Politicians Perfect Circus Acts
Still another satire
A groundbreaking study reveals that Iloilo City’s council sessions have officially surpassed Netflix as the region’s premier entertainment source.
The city’s esteemed councilors have mastered the art of transforming mundane legislative sessions into riveting reality TV episodes, complete with dramatic outbursts and unexpected plot twists.
Parliamentary rules, once designed for order, now serve as excellent comedy writing prompts.
Sources confirm that local officials are secretly auditioning for a new season of “Real Housewives of City Hall.”
The council’s Internal Rules and Regulations (IRR) has been repurposed as a drinking game, with participants taking shots every time someone shouts “point of order.”
One councilor has emerged as the breakout star, with the creative use of vocabulary earning a potential spin-off series.
Linguistic experts note that the term “ignorant” has evolved into a term of endearment within the chambers.
Professional wrestling promoters have reportedly approached the council about hosting future matches, citing “natural talent” among the members.
Democracy enthusiasts praise the council’s innovative approach to governance, where personal insults serve as legitimate parliamentary procedures.
The council’s performance art has inspired a new political science course: “Advanced Drama: From Legislative Hall to Theater Hall.”
Local theaters report a decline in attendance, unable to compete with the free entertainment at city hall.
Behavioral scientists are studying the council sessions as a masterclass in “How Not to Adult in Public.”
Foreign diplomats now visit Iloilo City Council sessions for lessons in “creative democratic expression.”
Political analysts predict a bright future for council meetings in the competitive category of “Unintentional Comedy.”
The council’s commitment to transforming governance into performance art has earned them a special place in the annals of political satire.
